A lesson in toxic masculinity disguising itself as the “nice guy” in creative spaces, and how to recognize it

When a man subscribes to the gospel of hypermasculinity, yet is unable to achieve his desired alpha status, his likelihood of becoming a “nice guy” increases dramatically. It is best to avoid this type of man boy due to their low emotional intelligence and inability to self regulate. This is the case when understanding a guy like Steve. While the example is real, names were changed. The name Steve was chosen for this character due to its commonality in western communities. Steve is the kind of guy who declares himself to be a nice guy, despite his inability to accept rejection in any capacity without breaking down out loud. It is important for people to understand that when dealing with a Steve, it’s best to communicate clearly and not engage in their tantrums when told no. 

Steve created a play when struggling with the allegedly abrupt end to a seemingly great relationship, as he had explained it to me.The story goes: Once upon a time he dated a woman with children, one having behavioral issues. Unable to process what led to their sudden breakup, he did what all writers do and wrote about it. For the sake of anonymity, he explained there needed to be some changes to the script such as the ex’s name, profession, their post-breakup encounter, and their reconciliation. Again, this was created to help him process his emotions and to rationalize the demise of their relationship. 

When Steve reached out to me asking if I would audition for his play, I thought it could be a great opportunity to meet new people and flex my acting muscles. Despite being a tad uncomfortable with the audition scene, I had a conversation with Steve and gained his perspective. Unfortunately, after several additional uncomfortable events, such as an actor being fired via group chat and an actress getting fired due to not wanting to add Steve on social media. I decided that I would quit the show via email since the decision was final. This led to emotional messages and then blocking via social media, and a brief response email within a couple of hours of sending the resignation. 

Despite hoping the tantrum was over, I received a lengthier email with an 1980’s ransom letter styled PDF attachment with even more rage about a week later. A common and somewhat anticipated response, as even the most annoying pests let out a final fit of rage when defeated in hopes of being given a chance to fight.

Instead, I’ve decided to allow him some of the attention he was seeking in order to share this lesson I learned the hard way with those willing to listen. When you encounter a Steve and your gut is telling you that these yellow and red flags are not fashionable, listen and walk away. There is no need to engage in their tantrum because they are not looking to grow or learn, they are simply concerned about feeling right. The sooner you do, the less likely they are to grow attached. However this will not eliminate the chances of a tantrum, it is still important to not engage and continue forward as that would feed their desire to be significant. At the end of the day, they are not only incapable of growth, they fear it. Your time and energy is best spent moving forward, something they will not be able to do. This way, they won’t be able to reach you again as you’ll be too far ahead to even hear their screeches.

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